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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Know Stephanie Better - What's on my heart today.

I didn't look up a writing prompt today. I'm just going to speak what's on my heart.

I've been struggling a bit the last couple weeks. I really feel like my boys are growing up right before my eyes, and I'm missing it all.

Hendrix has conversations with us and uses vocabulary that it would surprise me to hear a 3 or 4 year old have. Jameson now imitates and actually plays, and has developed a very silly and (I have a feeling sarcastic in the future) personality.

And these two precious gifts of God spend 10 hours a day during the week with someone other than me.

It's pretty much breaking my heart. Yesterday morning at work, I can't tell you how many times I was fighting tears as I thought about how much I wanted to be home with my kids.

My job is pretty good, as jobs go. I'm not complaining about that, especially after the department I worked in before this one. And I am thankful to have a good job. I just feel like its so mundane and unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Matt has a job interview on Friday morning, and we're really hoping, first, that he gets an offer, and, second, that the offer is what we need it to be, financially, in order for him to accept it. If it all goes as we're hoping, I'm seriously considering trying to find something part time so that I can still get out of the house for a few hours each week, but spend a lot more time with my kids, and not be feeling like a horrible mother 95% of the time.

I love the thought of being a full time mom and housewife. It sounds so 1950's, but I can only imagine all the things I'd be able to accomplish, along with spending ridiculous amounts of playtime with the world's cutest boys. But - I'm not sure if it's society, or just me being really hard on myself - I feel that if I were to stay at home full time, it's almost a waste of my college degree. I don't want to stay at home forever, but I feel these early years of my children's lives are so vital, and that I need to be there for them, more than I currently am.

So......as for right now, I'm sticking it out, and just kind of waiting to see what happens with Matt on Friday.


So, if you're the praying type, please lift up Matt that he might have a great interview on Friday, and that we can make the best decision for us regarding my work.

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